Tag Archives: funny

Spoof News: MET Office Annouce When Records Actually Began

The MET office has finally released details as to when records actually began.

“It’s all bollocks really” said the MET Office’s Chief of Staff, “we stopped keeping records years ago.”

“We had to make room in the office for a slushie machine and that require binning a lot of filing cabinets. We don’t really know what things were like before 2009.”

When asked why the MET office has continued to coin the phrase “The [insert climate condition of day] since records began” the Chief of Staff responded:

“Oh we just say that to spice things up a little. The truth is that talking about the weather is sodding boring, and here in Britain it is all anyone ever talks about. So we had to make it sound more interesting, y’know?”

“I just wish you lot would find something else to talk about and stop blaming us for this shit. It’s hot outside now, what more do you all want?”

“Bloody British.”

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Spoof News: Edward Snowden Presented with 2013 International Hide and Seek Community Award

The International Hide and Seek Community (IHSC) have presented Edward Snowden with their prestigious 2013 IHSC award.

The 30 year old international fugitive has caught the attention of the organisation in charge of all things hidden.

The IHSC award has experienced much controversy over their past decisions. Their nominations of the 2003 winner Saddam Hussein and 2004-2010 winner Osama Bin Laden brought them into strained relations with the US government.

“I got my best men on it, the CIA or whatever” said ex- US President George W. Bush “We tried to slap them with a big ass fine and call an end to this hogwash, but we just couldn’t find them anywhere”.

The President of the IHSC, Rebecca Cropper, was unavailable for comment. She is currently located somewhere in Kuwait as part of the 2013 International Hide and Seek Championship Games.

When questioned on how he felt about the award Snowden replied “It is an absolute honour, I have been trying to be recognised for this all my life. When I found out about the Prism surveillance program I knew I finally had my chance for recognition. I just took it.”

Unfortunately Snowden was unable to comment further. “I am sorry I have to leave, my flight for Norwich is about to leave…I mean Moscow, yeh Moscow.”

Spoof News: Olympics Committee says it will “Find a place for drugs in sport”

The International Olympic Committee has announced that it will allow drugs in many of its events in light of the recent scandals.

Sprinters Tyson Gay and Asafa Powell, who were recently tested positive for performance enhancing substances, have provoked the International Olympic Committee to find a radical new way to reduce the amount of drug-use in sporting events.

The International Olympic Committee have made the decision to find a place for recreational drugs within professional sport, and to implement this by the 2016 Olympic Games.

“I can’t be bothered with all these scandals anymore” said Committee President Jacques Rogge, “it’s getting on my nerves. If you can’t stop them, you may as well just let them do it.”

“It would be pretty wicked anyway, don’t you think? Watching athletes high of their faces flinging a massive great iron Frisbee across a field.”

The Committee has also looked into creating totally new drug-only sports. Events such as the 50cm Snort and Drug Mule, where the competitor must attempt to insert the biggest bag of weed up inside their colon and smuggle it through US customs.

This will also be used as a chance to reintroduce some old events. Games that were once a part of the Olympics, but which over the course of history had been removed will be brought back with a new twist.

Competitions such as poetry will be restored amongst the Olympics schedule of events. “Competitors will first be fed a great big bag of magic mushrooms before they begin writing” says Rogge.

“How awesome does that sound?”

Spoof News: White House to Arm Libyan Rebels With Sylvester Stallone

White House sources claim that the US is to arm Libyan rebels with macho film characters.

Vietnam veteran Rambo is to be sold to the Libyan rebels for a sum of $5.6m. Whitehouse sources claim that this is exactly what the rebels need to take and stabilise there power.

Plans are also in action to send Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to Egypt, and Arnold “The Terminator” Schwarzenegger to Pakistan.

“Obama has been doing all he can the help in the Middle East, but it just has not been enough.” our White House source claimed, “They need something with bigger muscle power, more body oil and tighter T-shirts.”

The Whitehouse expect to make upwards of $96m with this arms agreement. Which is to be spent funding Rambo V.